06 Jul Still Paying to Support Your Adult Kids?
5 Tips to Set Them (and You!) Free
If you’re financially supporting an adult child, you’re not alone. Some parents give money or paid bills for their adult offspring, sometimes for special situations—sometimes as continuing support.
Of course, parents are wired to want to help their kids, and kids are happy to take the help, but at what point is enough, enough? At what point does helping become enabling?
Reasons Parents Give Money … and the Ramifications
The most common reason parents give money to their grown children is for education costs, but parents also help with cell phone costs, rent, transportation, utilities, and more. It’s no secret that getting started in this world as a young adult can be really challenging. Parents want to make the transition to full adulthood after college as painless as possible, but at what cost?
As parents are financially helping their adult children longer, their own lives are being affected. Many parents find they must work longer and push back their initial retirement plans in order to support their adult children. Of course, parents are often willing to do just about anything for their kids, but there comes a point where you have to make decisions that are in your best interest.
Fair Isn’t Always Equal; Equal Isn’t Always Fair
So, when do you know it’s time to fully cut the umbilical cord? Make sure to assess the situation accurately. For example, you may be willing to help an adult son who has been working hard and just got laid off, but you aren’t willing to help your adult daughter who refuses to look for a job and continues to take advantage of everything you’ve done to try to motivate her.
In this example, it’s “fair” to help your son, and it’s “fair” to start to pull back from helping your daughter so much. This is where the idea of being fair doesn’t always look “equal” (especially to the kid who’s losing the support). Remember, it’s your money, and you are the one who gets to decide who to give it to. So don’t feel guilty about it either way.
Here are some basic tips to help you begin to withdraw the handouts and help your adult children start to stand on their own two feet:
Tip #1 – Set Reasonable Boundaries
It’s important to explain why you’ll begin pulling the plug on financial resources for your adult child. Make sure they understand that it’s nothing personal and that it’s your job to help them make it on their own and not to have to depend on you forever.
As you begin the conversation, remind them that you truly believe in them and that you love them completely. You’re not angry or disappointed with them; you’re just kicking them out of the nest a bit more so they can enjoy the thrill of flying on their own.
It’s not a bad idea to also explain that you are responsible for your own finances and future, and it’s time for you to put your finances and needs first. (After all, you don’t want to become a burden to them in your later years, right?) Assure them that as they begin to assume more of their own financial responsibilities, you’ll always be there to encourage and advise them.
Tip #2 – Set Dates to Gradually Stop Financial Support
Be sure that you give them three or more months’ notice about your decision, and let them know that over time, you’ll be supporting them less and less. If your adult child is willing, involve him or her in the planning process.
Consider pulling back on one bill every three to four months until you’re completely out of the financial picture. For example, maybe the first bill your grown child will assume will be his or her own cell phone bill. Then a few months later, it’s the car insurance bill.
Alternatively, you can decide to give all of the responsibility for smaller bills over to your child over time, but maybe you want to continue making the college loan payments. Whatever you decide (and whatever you can reasonably handle so that you’re not put in a personal financial crunch), make sure to put it in writing and put a date on when the changes will take place.
Tip #3 – Continue Coaching Them
If your child will allow you to continue coaching them financially, then keep it up. Offer to help him or her create a simple budget that will set your child up for success. You can visit Mint for an easy online tool for budgeting.
Whatever you do, keep the door open between you and your child so that he or she can come to you for financial advice and wisdom.
Tip #4 – Encourage Independence
The truth is if parents continue helping their children financially, how will they ever become self-sufficient or independent? In fact, if you continue helping your adult kids, you could be sending an underlying message that says, “I don’t think you’re capable of making it on your own, so I’m going to keep helping you.”
Instead, encourage independence by gradually entrusting smaller bills and responsibilities to your grown child. This will likely cause your child to rise up and begin soaring in ways that he or she didn’t even realize were possible! This is called empowering (rather than enabling).
Tip #5 – Give and Receive
If you’re financially supporting your adult son or daughter, it’s perfectly acceptable to expect him or her to contribute somehow to the household. For example, adult children can help with dishes, cleaning, cooking, yard work, or laundry in order to “earn their keep.” This helps foster the mentality that there are no freebies. If they want to get something, they need to give something. Relationships are about giving and taking, not just taking. And face it, you don’t want them to be too comfortable with your support because you don’t want to be supporting them forever. It has to be a little uncomfortable for them.
Consider charging them a small amount for rent in order to create value for your generosity. You can take that money and put it aside for them when they finally leave the nest or open up a mutual fund or Roth IRA in their name. Either way, it’s good for it to cost them something to stay with you so they don’t take it for granted or abuse the privilege.
Tough Love
In the end, it may take a little bit of tough love to firmly, but gently, nudge an adult child toward self-sufficiency. But remember that it’s really in their best interest as well as yours.
This newsletter was prepared by a third party company to be used on the Russell & Company and Simple Money Tips for Women websites.
